Reflections on New Motherhood

It’s now been almost two weeks since my husband and I welcomed our daughter Ella Sariah Rose to this world. 

Birth was a powerful and empowering experience - something I will most likely reflect on in a later letter. 

But for now I wanted to send you an insight in a quick moment I have between nursing, changing diapers and resting…

The night my milk came in I was feeling tender, emotional, had sore nipples (as I learned the ins and outs of breastfeeding) and pain in my pelvic floor (as I heal from a vaginal birth). 

It was the middle of the night, and I was being faced with my first really difficult moment, where Ella was crying, and all the things I tried were not consoling her, and it was feeling impossible to get her to latch to nurse. 

I noticed my energy in it all - tired, my desire to escape, to not be there, to want someone else to do it for me, the desire for it all to be easier. A “How did I get myself into this…” kind of moment. 

I was alone with her in that moment and I was feeling at a loss of what to do next.

As I sat, trying different positions, trying to put my sore nipple in her mouth, I remembered a quote I had read earlier that day in one of my books about Indian philosophy:

“The root cause of suffering is a desire for pleasure and a fear of pain.”

I reflected on all the times in my life I ran away from things that were hard. Like quitting the tennis team in high school when I didn’t make varsity. Or complained and wanted “someone else to do it for me,” when I didn't know how to start a retirement account.

I thought of all the moments I quit or gave up, or simply desired my life to just be easier, all the moments I found ways to avoid pain and difficulty altogether flashed before my eyes. 

Then I thought about the times I went all in - to a hard conversation I was intimidated to have, or to set a boundary with someone I was scared to stand up to, or when I recommitted again and again to publish my book, or put myself out there to promote something I really cared about, or the times I called upon my inner strength to break through a physical limitation, like being on a long run.

I don’t think our souls come to Earth for things to be easy. 

I think our souls really come here, to this planet for the challenge. 

Deep down we want to grow. We want to find the edges of our limits. 

We want to move beyond them. 

And while there has been so much beauty, there have been challenges along the way of bringing Ella into the world. Almost as if she has been inviting me to commit to her again and again, “Do you really want this?” Do you really want me here?” 

I remember the moments of almost throwing up walking by the seafood in the grocery store, or the end of our labor when I screamed and pushed her out, or that moment waiting for her to take her first breath… 

As if she was silently asking each step of the way, “Do you really want this?….” 

Yes.

I found that inner commitment, once again, looking into her eyes in the dark room holding my breast. My energy shifted and I anchored back into my inner strength. 

Yes. 

I’m here. 

I want this. 

I am showing up.

Again.

100%. 

I commit.

And as soon as I shifted my energy and those words crossed my mind, she latched. 

The rest of the night continued gently.  We found a flow between sleep, diaper changes and nursing, and the next morning I awoke feeling rested. 

I’ve been reflecting on that moment, and how in motherhood (and in so many parts of life) we are brought to our edge, and asked to recommit. 

To go deeper.  

I’ve been reflecting on how much easier it all is, when we go all in, and eradicate the victim from our consciousness, the voices that tell us it’s too much and we need to complain or escape from it all.

Again, we are brought to an opportunity to see where we are at as a sacred choice, an opportunity to commit again, to say yes, to let go of all the small voices and find out how strong we are.

So whatever challenge you may be facing in your life right now, I invite you to remember yourself as a soul. 

Remember we didn’t just come here for everything to be easy, but instead we wanted the challenge, to find our inner strength and to rise above the smallness…

And fortunately life, and motherhood is not all challenge.

I write this as I look down at Ella’s peaceful face sleeping next to me. I am filled with deep love, tenderness, and a deeper level of purpose than I’ve ever felt before. 

With love,

Meredith